I'm scared :o(

For about 8 days or so I have had shortness of breath. I finally couldn't deal with it anymore and called my DR. The doctor told me to go to the ER. I then waited for my hubby to get home which wasn't until 2am. My mom watched our boys while my husband and I went to the ER. We were there until about 11:30.

It had to have been one of the scariest times in my life.. so far. Honestly I thought I was going to die. The Dr. ordered several different tests to be done, just with my blood. We waited for the results and they were not good. One test came back that I had clotting in my blood. Which the Doctor's were trying to rule out a blood clot in my lungs. Well, after hearing that I may have a blood clot in my lung I lost it. I was then ordered to have an ultrasound, an X-ray, and a CT scan. The worst of the tests was the CT scan. I have very tiny veins, and every time a nurse has tried to give me an IV it has been a disaster!
When I found out for the CT scan I needed an IV, I started freaking out. Brad (my wonderful husband) held my hand as I sobbed like a baby. I felt so stupid, and even stupider now! Well, after the IV was finally put in after having this mean nurse poke and probe in my arm (which hurt like hell) I was told I would have this stuff put in my IV so that they could see my insides on the CT scan. AHHH!! Ok, so before I go on, I am a total wimp when it comes to these things. So anyway, I was balling like a baby, and petrified about the unknown. In the end it was not that horribly bad, and did not take that long.

Waiting for those results was horrible. I just wanted to know what my fate would be. The doctors were discussing hospitilizing me for 3 days, while I was administered blood thinning medications to clear the clots in my lungs. Once the results came they told me great news "no clots". I was so happy, but the Dr. had a not so happy look. Oh great! I knew something was coming next.
The Dr. then went on to tell me that sometimes when they do the CT scans they find other problems. One problem they found - I was already aware of, and is not a big deal. The second problem I was not aware of. I have an enlarged heart. I was very worried about this, and I still am. The Doctors do not know what is wrong with me. I am still having shortness of breath, and pain in my chest. I am really scared! I have no insurance either! My appointment with my Dr. today told me I will need an echo cardiogram (I hope I spelled that right?). So, now I have to try to get some kind of insurance with this place who helps low income familys. I am really hoping we qualify, which I am sure we should.

During all of the craziness at the hospital, and all of the unknown, plus the feeling like I was going to die terrified me. It terrified me because I was afraid I would never see my 3 little boys again. I was crying to Brad, telling him all I wanted was to be able to see my boys. I want to be around for them, and watch them grow up. There isn't even any words as to how much I love my children. They are my world, and the thought of not being around for them terrifies me. I know I need to be around to watch over them, and protect them. I also don't want to leave behind my husband or my mom. My family means so much to me. I am so lucky to have my wonderful husband, who loves me just as much as I love him, and a perfect mom who does whatever she can for her children. I am lucky to have such a great family, and I don't want to leave this behind. I may be over doing all of this, but I am truly scared.

Recent photos

I wanted to add some recent pictures of our adorable little boys. The first one I am posting is all 3 of our boys sitting together. I was happy that I was able to get this picture. It is SO very hard to get a good picture of all 3 boys together.


The Second picture is a good one of our oldest son Bradley. It is so difficult to snap a good picture of Bradley. It has to be unexpected or Bradley makes goofy faces. I think this picture of Bradley is great. He looks so sweet. Don't mind his messy hair though :o) He's such a handsome little man.

The 3rd picture is of Parker. Parker is our middle child, and such a sweetie. Parker loves to make you smile, but doesn't know when to quit at times. Parker is always smiling nice for the camera and loves having his picture taken, he is my little ham. I love this picture of Parker. He's so cute.


Finally, a picture of my baby Dustin. Dustin is growing up so fast (just like his brothers are). Dustin will be 16 months old in about 2 weeks. It amazes me how fast kids grow up. I hate that! Dustin is my "bubby" I call him this all the time. He will come to me and cuddle, and crinkle up his nose and give me this cute smile. I wish all 3 of our boys would slow down, and not grow up so fast. But anyhow.. Here is a cute picture of Dustin just being goofy. Bradley, and Parker always used to do this too. So cute!

Family

I have always had a very caring and loving family. Yes we all have our problems, probably more then most. It has always seemed as if the black cloud of doom follows all of us. This past year in 2008 had been especially bad for my my mom (who lost her little brother). It was also very horrible for my dad (who has horrible lies told about him), and for my brother who finally left his ex who caused all the problems. Now I suppose it is my turn this year to have that cloud of doom strike me, and my husband.
Like I have written in previous posts, I have decided to be done with my in-laws. I had played the nice guy role for too long. My husband never got along with them, and even now things have not changed. Even I do not like them, now that I know them. Not only have they caused drama in my husband and my life, but they have hurt my oldest son Bradley on numerous occasions. Bradley does not like my husbands mother, and is afraid of her. My husband and I made the decision to stop seeing them. We feel this is best for our children. Bradley had even told me at one point that "ma-maw loves Samantha, not me". These were the exact words Bradley told me. Bradley had told me this after Christmas eve when he saw Samantha open a mountain full of presents while Bradley, Parker, and Dustin had the same amount as Samantha only divided between the three of them. It is obvious who these people favor, and it isn't right that my children feel belittled, and that they do not mean as much. I could tell it effected Bradley, and I am sick of my in-laws BS. My husband was 110% right about his parents. Now they threatened taking us to court about "grandparents rights". I spoke to a lawyer, and have him lined up for once we receive papers. I have so many reasons why I dislike Brad's parents. I am still so very angry that they feel they can harm my kids and correct them in a violent manner. Plus not to mention all the horrible statements my father-in-law made over the phone! My husband and I are done with his side of the family. So buh-bye forever you power crazy people!! My husband knew what he was doing when he ran from that family and did not look back. I am sorry Brad, god knows I wish I could turn back time and never have contacted them.

Happy Father's day.. a little late.

Happy Father's day to my wonderful husband. He is a good daddy, and I love him with all my heart. I felt bad on fathers day because we were not able to do anything fun, like we had originally planned. I will make another post as to why father's day was ruined. And all of the stress that my in-laws are currently putting us threw.

Here's a really cute picture of daddy and his little boys. I love them so so very much. They are my everything. Daddy was reading them their bedtime story in this pic.

The cough

The other day I was very firm with Dustin's doctors. I told them I wanted more done for his cough. They told us we could then take him for an X-ray. We planned on doing the X-ray this upcoming Wednesday when my husband is off of work. Well, wouldn't ya know Dustin has stopped coughing!!! The only time he coughs now is a few little coughs in the morning. He also slightly coughs when he is too active. But I am noticing it is very seldom now. I am so relieved it's finally going away. It's weird though because I was so insistant with the doctors the other day, that more needed to be done. Even though the dr. felt nothing more needed to be done besides the steroids. Well, all I can say is thank god my baby is finally getting much much better. I have been so worried.

Coughing for months

My little Dustin has been coughing for about 3 months now. He is getting several nebulizer treatments a day, but the cough remains. I am beginning to get more and more worried. The doctors have not done much for him, and he has been to the Doctors about his cough 3 times. He will be going again maybe tomorrow or Friday. I will be calling the DR. and demanding they see him again. I am so worried about him. Whenever he plays hard, he has a horrible coughing fit. Plus at night, and in the morning he coughs and coughs. Dustin also has a greenish discharge coming from his nose that he has had along with his cough. I just want an answer as to why he is coughing so bad. Especially with all the talk on swine flu lately. I want to make sure my child is OK, and healthy. I hate worrying like this. I just hope & pray this cough is not something serious.

It's June 16th..

SO.................



Happy Birthday to my big brother James! Today he turns 32!! I am unable to wish him a Happy Birthday so I figured I'd at least write it on here. Currently my brother is away on guard duty, so I don't have an address or anything for him. I will have to just wish him a Happy B-day on here until I get to see him.

Vacation slide show

It goes by too fast!

Tonight I was bored, so I was looking through some old photo's of Bradley & Parker. It really amazed me how much they have changed. Bradley will be 4 years old this October, and Parker will be 3 in August. I just can not believe my babies are getting SO big! It makes me cry looking back, especially at Bradley's pictures. Bradley now talks back, and can be a real meanie. I remember when he was the most well behaved little guy, and I felt so lucky. He was sweet, and loving, and so cute, (not that he's not cute now).
I had Parker when Bradley was only ten months old. I feel like Bradley missed out a lot because Parker and him are so close. Once Parker was born, I had to spend most of my time tending to Parker. Not to mention the horrible pain I was in after Parker. Some how my spinal was yet again messed up, and I had horrible back spasms. I also tore open part of the C-section scar, and ended up with an infection. It was a complete mess! Looking back, I just wish I would have watched the boys every second of every day. I miss when they were that little. It just makes me so sad looking at those pictures. I just want to reach into that picture and hug them. I'm lucky if I get to cuddle with them now. Bradley & Parker both are always playing and doing their own thing. Dustin is even becoming very independent. I hate how fast my babies are growing up.

I find myself complaining a lot lately because I never get a break from my kids. Bradley and Parker tend to fight with one another a lot, and it causes a lot of screaming. Bradley also is hard to discipline. If you try to put him on time out he screams, and is pretty mean. Parker is the same way! It's a 24 hour job, 7 days a week. It is the best job in the world, but my nerves do get shot some days. I know I am going to miss these days though. It kills me that they are going so quickly. In a few months my youngest will start potty training. Then I won't even have any more diapers to change. I probably sound nuts for not looking forward to having all my kids potty trained. I just know I am going to miss the "baby stage". Now Dustin will be entering that Toddler stage, while Bradley & Parker are now classified as preschoolers. Brad keeps asking me how I will react when Bradley & Parker start kindergarten. That is an easy question to answer.. I'll cry.

Vacation

Well, we are back from our vacation. It was so nice! But... there are 3 things I would have changed about our vacation:

1.) I would have changed the attitudes and behavior of my 3 little boys. My oldest, and middle sons were the worst!! Bradley would pick on Parker, and Parker would scream as if someone were killing him. Parker is known for his high pitched, window breaking type of scream. Ugh!! If only I could make him stop this behavior. At one point everyone walking past us gave us a look. Even a man in a SUV yelled out the window to Parker sarcastically saying "Don't be so happy". Another older couple jokingly said to me "Don't you wish they were in school"! Bradley also had his usual attitude. He was mean at times, and just plain disobedient. And an example of that is at lunches or dinner we'd simply ask him to sit quietly and eat. Or at least behave. Instead he wiggled in his seat, got up from his seat and at times ran around our table, he also hid underneath the table. Bradley also screamed and cried when he was angry. A waitress actually asked us what she could do to quiet Bradley down, and she brought him a balloon. I was pretty embarrased. Parker did the exact same thing. What was funny about the situation was the boys all took turns being bad except for one time. Oh, and lets not forget the tantrums when we had to leave the beach, and Funland!

2.) The WEATHER!! Oh my did we have some crappy weather those last two days! The first two days were great, we were on the beach both days and the sun was shinning, and it was comfortable warm weather. The last two days were rainy and then cold! The final day was the coldest! It rained almost the entire day, and the cold wind was the worst. Even though the weather was bad, it was still nice spending time together as a family.

3.) I wish we could have stayed longer. I really wanted an extra day or two to be sitting on the beach to enjoy watching my little boys having such a good time. Brad and I both loved seeing them have so much fun building sand castles and splashing in the waves. It was a great experience. I am looking forward to going back.

I will post pictures later. I have tons of pictures of all 3 boys enjoying the rides at Fun land, and a few of them on the beach. Sadly during our trip something malfunctioned with my video camera and my DVD got erased. I am still crushed about it. On this disk for the video cam, was our boys preschool graduation, and video of them playing on the beach with their daddy. It has broken my heart losing all these valuable memories. I do still have video of them on the rides that were on another CD because the other was full. Brad will be trying to have someone see if they can get the movie off the disk.